Some days I'm okay and other days it's really bad. Today is a not so good day. It hurts today.

I've been trying so hard for so long to get him to remember that he loves me. Everything I do does nothing. I thought for sure if I got my necklace and he saw it he would love it. He would remember how much he loved me, and he didn't. It was crushing. The necklace is so beautiful and I love it.

did you forget about me...

Can you just put me back together? I feel so broken. I know what I should do. I know what is the right thing, but I can't bring myself to do it. I just keep pretending things are going to get  better.They aren't going to get better. "It's weird...you know the end of something great is coming, but you want to hold on, just for one more second...just so it can hurt a little more." I feel like I'm holding on to something that will never be there again.

People always talk about what do you say to someone when they tell you that they love you and you aren't ready to say it. What do you say to someone when they tell you that they don't love you anymore? Thank you?

I gave him my everything. And I feel like I did something wrong. He was the last thing I had left. Everyone else is gone. I don't have Drew and Edwin anymore. I don't have Jenny. I have Nick on occasion. I just...I feel so empty and alone.

I feel like someone emptied everything out of me. I took out all of me and I gave it to him and he took it, ran with it and never looked back. How do you pick up the pieces? How do you smile from the inside out? It feels so horrible.

I feel like when he said that to me, I shut down. I can't feel the happiness anymore from him. I know the love isn't there, and it hurts. I tried to lie to myself and pretend like it was going to get better, but he's not going to love me anymore. His love for me is gone, and it won't come back. My heart breaks on a daily basis now. I just I can't even feel my love for him anymore. It's like a fleeting memory. I am constantly reminded about how he doesn't love me anymore.

How...what did I do?

I feel like every time I try to pretend that everything is going to better and I try to tell him I love him, my heart shuts off all emotions. I can't feel it. It just shuts down and says "Nope, I will not be broken again". And it breaks anyway. I just feel so disconnected from my heart.

I'm so glad that I leave for camp tomorrow. It couldn't happen at a better time. I need it. I need the natural beauty. I need the fresh air. I need everything about camp. I need to get away, in the worst kind of way. I just hope that it gets better for me. I hope that everything about lakota is there waiting with open arms. I just hope it pulls me in and makes me feel so much better. I really need this.

...but I won't stay around...

It just feels gone. Like the magic is gone. The sparkle, everything that draws me to him is clouded by the hurt and the anger and the lack of love. It just seems gone. There doesn't seem to be any love. It just seems sad and like a friendship. I just can't seem to adore him anymore. How can you adore someone when they stomped on your heart? I just feel used and unappreciated. I just feel lost and like I'm missing something. I'm missing the man who used to love me. 

Some days I can pretend like it doesn't bother me, but some days it just crashes down.

I just want to feel like if I walked out that door someone would care. I want to know that someone would have the hardest time going on with their life without me. It's so hard for me. To have certain people just walk out of my life just breaks me apart. To watch those people walk out the door kills me. My eyes start burning, there is a lump in my throat, it just so hard. And it's like I've never learned my lesson. I still get attached to people. I still love these people so much. I trust them and hope that this will be the person. They will be the one to heal my heart. I just feel like people steal pieces of me all the time. I've watched them walk out of my life and the thought of it still just reduces me to hysterics.

I am almost twenty. I was 15 when he just left. No goodbye, no phone calls. He just left. Almost two years ago he came back. He showed me that he cared. My heart felt lighter. I felt whole again. It was cut short. So short. Promises to not leave without a goodbye again and seconds later gone. I came crashing down again. Put back in the corner to try to heal again. I just wasn't good enough to keep him around. I wasn't special enough to him to keep in touch. Every day it takes a stab at me. Every day I remember that promise and I remember how he broke it. He just broke my heart. I always thought he would be different. He was my knight in shining armor but I wasn't anything to him. It's so hard to just remember the good things about him. Every time I remember him, my heart aches a little because all along I knew I wasn't as important as I wished I was. It just gets to me now that five years after he left the first time, it still hurts me.

Sometimes I wonder if I had just been a more fun person to be around or if I had been different if things would be better. I wonder if they would still talk to me. I wonder if I had just been good enough if I would be happier. If I had just been happier, they wouldn't have left. My chest tightens sometimes. I struggle to not cry. It feels like a ton of bricks weighing me down. It's so hard to face reality that the two most important people that were in your life before want nothing to do with you now. Where it's full of empty conversations and averting of eyes. No phone calls and dying ghosts of what used to be. I wonder if they even think of me. It's foolish because I was never that important to them. They kicked me out of their lives several times before this one and it's never been them to come crawling back. It's always been me. I just wanted things to be different so badly.

I wish I could say that I ever felt important to him. I did. Twice. Once in April 2004 and again in August 2005. And possibly a third time, the last time in October 2005. Three years. I dedicated three years to him. Everything about me was completely reliant on him. If I didn't talk to him for two days I was impossible to deal with. If he hated me I was outraged on the outside and devastated on the inside. I gave him my everything. Everything I could possibly give him I did. And he gave me nothing in return. He drained my soul and took my heart. I just didn't know how to let go. I lost myself. I did everything I could think of to get him to notice me. To get him to think I was important. Even after he broke his ties with me, I still held on. I held on so tightly. I stopped breathing in hopes of holding on just a little longer. And finally I realized that I was never good enough for him. There was nothing I could do to ever be good enough. Even now, I'm not even good enough to be his friend. I finally let him go. I finally let go and slowly began to get my soul back. I began mending my heart.

I haven't mended it all the way yet. There's this piece that I just can't put back. I keep looking at it and putting it back in the box. There's this piece of me. This piece of trust that I just can't get myself to put back. I can't allow for it to happen again. I can't blindly just let someone's words fill me with hope. I doubt everything that someone says to me. I just can't bring myself to believe they are genuine. I can't open that back up. I can't allow for someone to smash that small piece of trust. If you can't back up your words with actions, it's so hard for me to believe you. I just have this guard up. If I let it down, if I let anyone near that piece of my heart and they break me again, I don't think I can repair myself. I've been broken so many times; I just don't think that I could make myself do it again. I couldn't pick up the pieces again. I'm still having a hard time keeping myself together now and if I broke again, I don't think I'd have the will to mend it. I would just break again. I feel so fragile. I just, I'm so weak. What happened to me? I used to be so strong. I'm just so broken now.

Today I just can't hold it back anymore. He keeps telling me that he can't change and that he doesn't really want to. It just, it hurts. It makes me start tearing my heart apart and hiding the pieces. I hide them far away in the darkness. I just feel like I'm not good enough again. Like I'm not good enough for him to do this for me. I feel like I fall just short of being worthy of it. I feel like I can't give him everything I have like I did because he's just going to do the same thing to me. Like if I let him in, I will give him everything and he will give me just the amount to keep me around. Then slowly my soul will leave me again. I will be drained of everything. I will be a ghost again. Everything about him will determine how I will be. And eventually I just won't have anything left. My soul will be gone and my heart hidden. I don't want to do it but I just feel like I can't be unimportant again. I need to be important to someone. I need to be good enough. I need to feel like someone deems me worthy enough to get their love and attention. I want to walk out the door and have someone run after me and hold me back until I agree to come back. I need someone to fight for me. I'm just drained from fighting for someone who won't fight for me.

I want someone to look at me the way Anthony looks at Molly. His love for her is so pure and unconditional. Everyone can just see the love he has for her. It is mesmerizing. I want to be that important to someone.

I recently realized this void I have in my life. This emptiness that just won't fill. And I think I finally realized where it is coming from. Once upon a time I was lacking in all of the attention and all of the affection I needed from that one person. The only thing I wasn't lacking was the knowledge of the love I had. I didn't have to question it or wonder. It wasn't a mystery. He could deny it all he wanted but I know (I knew back then too) that I had his heart. I had stolen it long before I ever realized how much it meant to me. I had taken it and I was careless with it. So he went on and found someone else to take care of it, but something happened. Along the way I came back to him. I stretched out my hand and I told him to take it; to hold on tight and that I wouldn't be so carless this time. He was so nervous and reluctant to trust me. He wouldn't take my hand but he would stand right there. Right beside me. I would never gain his trust back but I had his heart. To this day, I don't know if I still have it, but I think at the very least I have a piece of it. I don't know what I mean to him anymore but I know that he was one of the most influencial people in my life. He changed me so much and I don't know where I would be without him. I thank him for everything he did for me. It was always just a comforting feeling, to fight for his affection but to always know that I had his heart. I think that my situation now is similar but different. I think that it will all be okay.

It's weird to be in almost completely new world. I hate all people and my experience at the Disney Store has only confirmed this hatred. There's so many things people do for no reason just because they are full of hate and it's ridiculous. I think I miss my old life only because I knew exactly who was a bitch and who I could trust. In the real world, you can't trust anyone. I'm content with where my life is going to be heading in a matter of a month. I'll be away from everything and everyone who is making my life miserable at the moment but I'll still be near people who make me happy. I think the hardest thing about the change really stems from the ghosts of my past. I have memories everywhere I go of these boys who meant the world to me. They were everything. They were my rock and almost everything I needed. And then in a flash they were gone. And every good memory began to fade and didn't mean anything anymore. It was like a numbing feeling. Except for two memories. There were these two memories of these wonderful people who were there for me no matter what. They were amazing. One came to pick me up and greeted me with hugs and kisses. The other saved me. He was always saving me, but this time he saved me in this scary place where no one knew me. He just came and saved me and everything was okay. He was exactly what I needed and that's something no one could take away from him. But now that memory is fading fast. It's slipping through my fingers and there's nothing I can do to stop it. He...They were everything and now they are almost nothing. I just needed that place to hold those memories so it wasn't gone yet. But it is. It's hard but some day I'll be numb to it and everything will be okay for me. It just takes time.

Sometimes when I cry, time stops. The whole world stops and I feel so utterly alone. And all I can think about is standing in the middle of the street yelling and screaming at Drew. Then he hugs me while I cry. It makes me cry harder. All I want when I cry is to not feel that darkness and feel so alone. And that moment I will hold onto forever because that was one of the few times when I've cried that I haven't felt alone. But I still have hope and still hold on to it. Some day you'll understand. Some day you will change that moment stuck forever in my heart. 

I think that too often I give my heart away. Maybe not my whole heart but a piece of it. And I never get anything back. My heart feels incomplete. It feels like there are pieces missing. There's a piece somewhere in Europe doing who knows what. There's a piece down near Santa Monica. There's a piece running around Tujunga. And then there is a piece being carved out as we speak. Every day a little bit more gets carved out. I'm so scared that when it finally carves itself out it won't get filled either. I'll be stuck with less of a heart. I don't know how much more of my heart I can carve out and still stand up and face the day. I hate it. You never get to control who carves out of your heart.
It's so hard. I hate letting people take some of my heart. Then I get hurt. Always. I miss them so much.
I gave him everything I had. Everything I had to give, I gave it. He never let me in or anything. He just ripped that piece of my heart out and stuck it on his. He never let me in. I couldn't carve his heart of stone with my knife. It wasn't strong enough. He never gave me back that piece though. He just gave me back fear. This huge fear that someone else would do it to me. I hate him for it. I HATE YOU.
He was my best friend. He was protector. He was my guardian. He was the person I could yell at. He was the person who hugged me tightly. He was my Edwin. I argued with him all the time, but I love him endlessly. I love him a lot. And it hurts so much to look at me and Drew and to know that it's only me and Drew. Sometimes I think that i lock myself up in my room a lot because eventually he'll call me and we'll go somewhere. I know this is a fool's hope but I can't help it. He's not here anymore. He has never met my boyfriend at all. He was supposed to meet him. And love him. and tell me how good he was for me. And he's not here at all. I'm so afraid that one day we'll get a phone call from his mom telling us that he died.
And there's my knight. That strong guy that saves the day every time I'm low. I'm so mad that he walked out of my life not once, but twice. After he walked out of it the first time, he had a dream about me that freaked him out and he came back. He came back and promised he wouldn't leave again. He PROMISED. Then he left. And didn't come back. He's still my knight. And i miss him a lot.

These holes in my heart have started to heal. I am leaving those insecurities behind and filling that hole with love for myself. My best friend is gone and slowly I am being my own protector. I am being the strong one for myself. I can do this without you, but I still love him and miss who he was. The last hole in my heart started healing three years ago. It is now almost fully healed but it is still a scar that tingles every once in a while.

I need to be a lot stronger than I have been. My heart isn't going to heal until I let it.

I hate being at home alone. Everytime I'm home alone, I just cry. I just can't do it. It reminds me of all those times when I got left at home by myself before. And today it just hurts more because I fought with Peter. It wouldn't be so bad but it just feels like he hates me everytime I get upset. And it makes me cry more. I understand that HE is not like me and he just doesn't like hugging like I do, but seriously, I need some kinda comfort. I need a hug. I need to be held. I need something other than you staring at me. And every time I get upset I just feel like an idiot. I feel like any reason I have to upset is never good enough for him. I hate being called a child and immature. I fucking hate it. Everytime we get into a fight I get so scared that he's just going to leave me like everyone else that I get close to. Jenny, Will, Leslie, Edwin, Molly, Melida, Andres and even Drew now. I just keep crying and crying. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to tell him. He is all I really have right now and if he doesn't make me feel better no one else does. Everytime I get upset I just feel like he's going to leave me. And it just makes me cry harder. I haven't cried this hard since I was depressed. I am having such a hard time trying to convince myself that he won't leave me even though I get emotional. i feel not good enough for anyone. And I don't know who to call to talk to. I am so tempted ot just go into my brother's room and ask him for a hug. I don't even know why i'm crying so much but I can't stop and I just feel like shit.

Let us examine the things Alyssa has learned this week...

Don't have an opinion.
Don't share your opinion.
Keep your mouth shut.
Don't ever try to do things nicely.
Listen quietly and follow directions.
Don't talk to anyone's girlfriend, boyfriend or best friend.
Your opinion doesn't matter.
Either do your feelings.
People lie.
Although people should own up to things, they don't.
Every text/message/email/comment you send that you want to be noticed won't be, but the one that you don't want noticed, will be.
You shouldn't talk to anyone, ever.
Don't expect anything from anyone.
I never belonged in their world. [I belonged in my imaginary with all of OUR boys.]
Jimmy Robbins is fucking amazing. His voice, his hair, his lyrics are all beautiful.